This Tree guides you in resolving interpersonal differences so as to affirm a solid bond and handle a close relationship following a crisis that could lead to a split.
This account is not a full exploration of psychosocial issues. It's purpose is to demonstrate that THEE is a model whose exploration generates findings that did not go into its construction. The specific aim is to scientifically validate conjectures developed in relation to the reversal of the oscillating duality and the identification of Root Level pressures of presumed biological origin. See more here.
Note: The key Understanding level in this emergent framework appears to be read this part first.because the relationship has reached this breaking point because they have gone wrong, and yet the future depends on having confidence in developing and using your intuitions. It may help to
Seek Guidance at KL7 by
Take Heart at KL4 by
Find Energy at KL2 by
Make It Happen is at KL1 by
There is a progression here from sensitivity through to boldness. The two extreme Centres seem externally-oriented: at the top (KL7) you facilitate discussion, at the bottom (KL1) you initiate changes. The other two Centres seem internally oriented: the upper (KL4) requires strength, the lower (KL2) requires wisdom.
In this middle spine, the yourself v your situation duality is fused. Situation here includes the other party, the relationship, the history and the context.
In these balanced Centres, whatever is relevant for you has to be simultaneously relevant for the other person and the relationship situation generally:
The three vertical Channels show a progression from sensitivity through to boldness:
KL7B ↔ KL4B: Your challenges whether you are genuinely ; and vice versa.
KL4B ↔ KL2B: Your energizes you to develop about repairing the relationship; and vice versa.
KL2B ↔ KL1B: Your confirm the timing and style of ; and vice versa.
In relationships,are like bullets, knives or stones. So, when there is deep misunderstanding and mistrust associated with repeatedly feeling hurt, labels used for events become sensitized. Nevertheless, you must converse in order to repair. And so you need for many things: for what has happened, for specific events, for inner states, for repeated behaviours, for unmet needs, and for shared needs. References to any of these matters could be taken as provocative and then lead to outbursts that reinforce dysfunction and prevent repair. But these are the issues that must be discussed and a way must be found. There is no harm in using euphemisms. After all, the aim is to make reference to painful experiences easy and natural without causing too much additional pain.
Are you going to refer to an explosive interaction as an 'argument' or a 'quarrel', or a 'fight', or a 'row' or a 'contretemps'? It doesn't matter as long as you both use one or two acceptable terms, and avoid the others. It may be important to agree on a particular unsatisfactory behaviour as 'hurtful' rather than (say) 'exploitative', or 'sadistic'. It may be best to refer to the other person's excessive drinking as 'indulging' rather than 'boozing' or 'swilling' or 'hitting the bottle'.
Perhaps you feel it should not matter what label is used. But it does. While labeling is the basis of understanding, no label that touches on something hurtful for us is completely desirable. Our spontaneous inner urge is to ruminate self-pityingly or banish the notion from our thoughts. We all use euphemisms for our own bad behaviors and unvarnished even exaggerated terms for the other party's. However, such egotism must be put to one side if there is to be any hope of conversation leading to a new and better mutual understanding. Using simple discussion and common politeness you can find ways to agree on how to refer to sensitive matters, and then you must.
focus for , and demands that you actively in which you pursue repair of the relationship. what is painful or provocative also challenges.provides a
fixing the situation involves because there is no miracle drug or simple recipe to repair a relationship that has gone bad. By tackling the difficulties in the relationship, you accept an inner uncertainty, possible rejection and humiliation, and tense painful interpersonal interchanges. This must be tolerated again and again until the situation is resolved one way or another. Then you will know where you stand.is the central feature in troubled relationships. The urge is certainly to leave, resign, disconnect or split up. But there may also be a tendency to masochistic submission ('this is my life and I have to put up with it') and fears of loss ('this relationship is better than nothing'). The problem is that, although you want something better, there is no guarantee you can get it. The only hope for
Actively and positively addressing the situation despite itsdepends on a thoughtful and rational approach—which is why every Centre in this Tree is built on understanding. In this Centre, understanding the you are running is important to handling them effectively and protecting your well-being. In any case is directly geared at increasing your well-being. You must also understand that it is not usually realistic to avoid risk. Your intuition should indicate what the chances are that the other will respond and whether it is worth the effort. But if you genuinely do not know and there could be value there, then take the and you may well get the reward.
It is rather common in life for the biggest risk to be the avoidance of fix the basics. Perhaps you will learn something.. If an important relationship is going seriously wrong, then your biggest risk is doing nothing. The other person will surely dismiss or dump you sooner or later, or start treating you even worse. If you leave, then you typically have to find another relationship and you must ask yourself why it should work out any better. If there are good reasons to think it will, then you probably ought to leave. If there are not, which is commonly the case, then the lower risk option is to take the and try to
commits you to , and it gets support from to facilitate discussion. requires that you become realistic about how you . You get acceptance for by appreciating . is boosted by your identification of what is worthwhile in the relationship. On the one hand, helps your become credible. On the other hand, you get encouraged by are met. Finally, by you your and pose a challenge in regard to conversations where the of tensions and issues is unavoidable.
are the way that close relationships are handled. The first warning that something was going wrong would have been determined using intuition. So although other forms of experience are relevant, it provides the only certainty in choosing to repairing a failed relationship.
Sometimes you discover things are awry because your intuitions start to fail. You find yourself thinking: "everything I say is wrong", "everything I do is wrong". Or perhaps that is your view of the other party: their intuitions about how to handle you and your needs and wishes seem deeply faulty. Sometimes a person activates desperate attempts to conform and please or to dominate and control to rescue a deteriorating relationship. Such approaches, devoid of understanding and deeply unintuitive, are most unlikely to work.
The first requirement is therefore to welcome yourand view them as your source of certainty. That means you have to stop reacting and give yourself space and time to make psychological connections that illuminate the situation and clarify where you stand. In order to understand with confidence, you absolutely must . You cannot depend on your emotions or images or abstract ideas and theories, or the advice of others.
You need to reaffirm your insistence on a relationship that engages your currently , and that align with in the relationship . These also energize your and should confirm your decisive .that
Anis the form of action that has the potential to transform a situation comprehensively. Timing its performance is therefore critical. A good sets in train a series of subsidiary actions and desirable consequences, both mental and physical, that are predictable in general but not in detail. need to be devised with an understanding of the nature of the situation and with a realistic view of the state of the relationship and what can actually be done at that moment in time. Necessary are always communicative, but they may be verbal or non-verbal. Often they have a physical component: like making a telephone call, sending a gift, or arranging for an independent person to be join a meeting.
confirmation that you do understand what is going on. They channel (and are channeled by) , and constrain (and are constrained by) satisfaction of .rely on your . So the channel between and should be open and provide
The other three levels—KL6, KL5, KL3—have two Centres each: these must take heed of each other and connect to the Centres on the spine.
The relationship is for all practical purposes out of control. You are not on speaking terms or whenever you do speak you avoid eye-contact, your body tenses, or the tone is edgy. Matters can only be improved if you choose to actively manage the relationship. That means exerting your autonomy by refusing to feel trapped or forced out, and rejecting control by inappropriate conventions, your own emotionality or the other party's machinations. You must reciprocity here.to ensure that you do not lose control, and you must together where a resolution can be rationally pursued. This requires understanding of yourself, your relationship and the situational context. There is a
You have to move your mindset into a state in which it is possible to fix the basics of the relationship. This is hard because it is all too easy to explode with emotion at a provocation, and you naturally want to argue from the position that you are in the right. But if you lose self-control, you demonstrate that you are not a fit partner, and if you take up a superior position, the chance of a rational exchange falls. You must structure a positive mindset, look to your appearance, control facial expressions and body language, think about what might the other party might say or do, and rehearse what you need to say and how to say it. You must strictly enforce a refusal to be drawn, provoked or tempted into reflex reactions or mutual recriminations.
become committed to taking the . It also strengthens your ; and, because it puts the relationship above your egotistic tendencies, it focuses.ensures that you
Things often go wrong in particular situations and these can often be managed to reduce that likelihood. Sometimes a situation can be transformed by altering a schedule or a venue or using a different system. Sometimes it helps to have a third person present. Organizations typically have structured grievance procedures or disciplinary arrangements to take the heat out of manager-subordinate disputes and you might activate these. You could handle an informal relation over a coffee rather than in your office or home, because, while needing to think of yourself, you should be careful about manipulating the setting so as to be dominant. In a fraught personal relationship, you must carefully manage serious conversations e.g. you want to make the time mutually convenient, avoid being rushed, and ensure the venue is private and quiet. It often helps to enable a neutral atmosphere or one that evokes positive memories for both. You may even set up sensible rules to govern the discussion and keep it sensible and useful.
How you support your , encourage , and demandshould
Coincidence? It just happens that within is important for handling interpersonal «relations». In both cases, the references is to connecting things that might otherwise remain unconnected. is about making connections to understand, while «relating» socially is about making connections to feel good and to pursue goals.
A close relationship is characterized by relating actions, words, events and contexts to construct a situation within which you function. This construction is a matter of informal observation and inquiry, and naturally people differ in their perceptions. How you understand a relationship impacts its quality. When things go wrong, perceptions start differing wildly: your haste is seen by me as disrespect, my advice is seen by you as criticism. These positions get supported by complicated explanations and justifications as connections ramify. To remedy dysfunction, you have to complementarity between these two.your own understanding of what is going on, and what the other party understands. There needs to be some
Each party has their own way of constructing what is happening in the relationship. You must be able to explain how you put events together so that the other party can understand your view, whether or not they agree. The other party should be doing the same. Both of you need to investigate the explanations and perceptions that are offered.
strengthen the , and ensure becomes realistic. You should to demonstrate and validate your .should
Even unequal relationships have to be underpinned by a basic equality in the sense that each must accept that the other has a point of view which is valid for them. For any progress, you must accept the perceptions offered by the other party, and appreciate the explanations offered. If you cannot accept or tolerate the perspective presented to you, then the relationship has no future. If you can, then you are on the way to fixing the basics through addressing your needs and the interests and values that you both share.
Your intention to encourages you to , helps you in getting acceptance of the you are taking, and should justify your determination if the relationship is resurrected.
consideration the importance of having , and vice versa.are what is important within a group and they express the personal needs of its members. Conventions and common-sense govern what values apply in particular sorts of relationship: however, acceptability plays a major role as well. An important reason for the break-up of relationships is either that values that were the rationale wither or become less acceptable, or new values and interests emerge for one partner that are not acceptable to the other. Understanding the values that bind a relationship on a daily basis is therefore essential to resolve differences. Some are about gratification, while others are necessities to handle life stresses: and either of these forms may be mutual or idiosyncratic. Both play a role in the acceptability of a continuing relationship, but has to take into
Any relationship must be built on shared values, typically common interests and mutual needs. These provide the rationale for relating and the gratification. With a colleague, the shared values might be your work, achievement, friendship and travel. With a partner, the shared values might be companionship, sex, music, and sport. With a boss, the shared values might be teamwork, professionalism, respect and feedback. Whatever the values, they are the rationale for fixing the relationship.
Your evident support for these become credible, and validates your . should align with that you develop, and channel based on your understanding of the relationship.makes
Each member of a relationship uses it to meet their own needs or expects it to allow certain needs to be met e.g. relating to your health, self-esteem, trust, work. So when your personal needs are not met, stress and distress build rapidly, above and beyond specific relationship issues. When a relationship breaks down, it is because some of your needs are not being met, and following the breakdown others stop being met. A major incentive to take the risks to fix the relationship follows from insisting that your emotional and physical needs do get met in the future. It is therefore essential to understand yourself sufficiently to become clear and articulate on this matter.
encourages you to and justifies your . Your awareness of also reaffirms relevant , and constrains the choice and timing of .
See how the framework may be used (or misused).
Last Updated: 24-Mar-2014